It was the night before the Christmas advent season began, and all through Lego town the air felt tense, as though any number of mysteries might be unleashed in the following days…
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 1
???: Space-Log 2562.4, I have arrived on this strange snow-covered rock in orbit around a distant sun with the hopes of discovering more about this thing called Christmas. My only hope is that none of the locals look up and think that my bloody huge alien spaceship seems out of the ordinary! I am now preparing to leave my ship and set foot on the snowy ground of this planet. Opening the airlock hatch in 3… 2… 1…
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 2
A hydraulic hiss echoes through the winter night as the spaceship’s hatch opens, and a humanoid figure emerges.
Ferb: Ah, what a relief – it seems that the native inhabitants of this planet look almost exactly like people from my planet. Well, here I am, ready to leave my spaceship behind. Hmm, I hope that I have enough of this earth money, so that I can enjoy some of that earth capitalism I’ve heard so much about! Ah, I think I’ll begin my education with this shop. Now to indulge in that human custom of ‘breaking and entering’…
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 3
Ferb: Amazing! This human shop that I have broken in to seems to be filled with assorted vehicles. I really shouldn’t spend the whole night driving this around inside the shop owner’s store, but…. Vroom vroom, baby!
*crash*
Ferb: Ow. Okay, can’t say I’m leaning much about Christmas by the means of breaking and entering… Maybe there’s something else in this shop I can find that will teach me something more?
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 4
Wolf: Rawr!
Ferb: Agh no, the store has a guard dog! Please don’t eat me!
Wolf: Dog? Puny creature – I am no dog, I am Wolf, mighty warlock!
Ferb: You look like a dog to me…
Wolf: Silence! Speak again and I will snap your head clean from your shoulders!
Ferb: Are you sure that you’re really a warlock?
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 5
Wolf: Puny humanoid, observe my sledge!
Ferb: Oh wow, that’s pretty cool! It might be useful for me if I need to flee from this store that I broke into when the police arrive.
Wolf: Bet you’ve never seen a wolf that can ride a sledge before!
Ferb: No, I can’t say that I have…
Wolf: Psyche! That’s because I’m not a wolf – I’m a warlock!
Ferb: Of course…
Wolf: Nananananana-Sledgewolf!
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 6
Wolf: Puny humanoid, watch! With my phenomenal magical abilities, I have formed a being of snow! Truly I am the greatest warlock of all!
Ferb: Sorry, what was that? I was drinking my cocoa… I’m not sure that really counts as magic.
Wolf: Do not speak bad of my creation! I have named him The Faceless One.
Ferb: I mean, human children can build snow-men, and human children are pretty dumb.
Wolf: Oh really? Well, if that doesn’t impress you, check out what I’m going to do next!
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 7
ZAPPF!
Ferb: Oh my word! You’ve brought the snowman to life! You really are a powerful warlock!
Wolf: Yes. Now, please do not ask about the pact that I have made the dark powers and eldritch things in order to gain the power to do such things.
Ferb: Snow lady, what should I call you?
Woman: Eh? Uhh… I don’t know. Elsa, I suppose.
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 8
Ferb: It’s lovely to meet you Elsa. I am Ferb, from the planet Omicron. I have come to this planet to discover the true meaning of Christmas. That’s why I broke into this shop.
Elsa: Uhh, okay. And who’s this?
Wolf: I am a mighty warlock!
Elsa: You look like a doggy.
Wolf: Shut up.
Ferb: I don’t suppose you know the meaning of Christmas, do you?
Elsa: Well, of course I do – I was a snowman for a while, you know. It’s… oh my god, look!
Ferb: What is that?
Wolf: It’s an attack drone! Look out!
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 10
With a swerve, the drone turned through the air. Staccato bursts of gunfire tore through the winter snow, forcing the trio to scatter. Reaching down to grasp onto a shovel as he ran, Ferb dove wildly out of the path of the searing bullets. With a cry, Elsa scooped up a handful of snow and began to squeeze down on it, compacting the chilly powder into a sturdy ball.
Launching it through the air, she hurled the snowball against the drone, smashing into it’s propellers. With a wobble, the drone spun, and smashed against a nearby lamp-post which just happened to have appeared nearby. The trio gathered around, eyeing the strange machine suspiciously.
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 10
Ferb: What is this thing?
Elsa: It’s an unmanned attack drone. It was probably sent by the true lord of Christmas – Santa Claus!
Wolf: Gasp! My old nemesis.
Ferb: What’s a Santa Claus?
Elsa: To understand that, I must tell you of a tale far older than recorded history. Far back in time, in the age of myths and legends, ancient beings dwelt within the folds of reality itself. One such was…
Wolf: Hey y’know, Santa is probably still tracking us via this drone. We should destroy it.
Ferb: Quick, I know! Throw it onto the train tracks.
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 11
*CRASH!*
Ferb: Yay!
Wolf: Ah, wanton destruction. My old friend.
Elsa: This is imitable. Hey kids, don’t throw things in front of trains.
Wolf: No, don’t listen, children. Do it. Do it!!
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 12
Ferb: Well, we have buried the remains of the drone. I don’t understand why Santa wants to kill us, though.
Elsa: The dark lord of Christmas abhores the reckless use of magic. Perhaps one of us may have angered him by casting arcane spells.
Wolf: Oops.
Ferb: I’m confused. This all hurts my head.
Wolf: Such is the way of chaos. But we do know one thing for sure – that Santa will not rest until all of us are dead! Who wants ice cream?
Ferb: Me me me! Gosh, I’m so glad that this entirely random ice cream stall appeared here.
Elsa: No thanks, I have a leg of chicken.
Wolf: Where did you get that?
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 13
Man: Hello, merry strangers!
Ferb: Aaaah!
Wolf: Forgive my friend, mister ice cream man. He’s a stranger to this world.
Man: Oh, don’t worry, I understand. Would you like some ice cream?
Elsa: Why are you serving ice cream in the middle of winter?
Man: Why wouldn’t I be serving ice cream in the middle of winter? Every day is ice cream day around here while our cruel overlord Santa reigns supreme!
Ferb: Oh no! He forces you to eat ice cream?
Man: Truly it is a fate worse than death itself.
Elsa: You poor man.
Wolf: Hey, don’t I recognise you, ice cream man?
Man: Maybe. I did host ‘Inside the Actor’s Studio’…
Elsa: Oh my god, you’re James Lipton!
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 14
James Lipton: My ice cream has melted.
Elsa: Well, it was ludicrously enormous. Maybe it’s for the best…
Ferb: Ssshh!! What’s this?
Wolf: Hmm, what an unusual array of geometric shapes.
Ferb: Does it make some kind of sense to you?
Wolf: Well, I am an expert in non-euclidean geometry, having spent much of my life studying shapes that would break the sanity of mortal men.
James Lipton: Wait, I know what these are! These are spoor.
Elsa: Eww. I’ll get the shovel.
James Lipton: No – these are warning us that the minions of Santa are nearby!
Ferb: Oh no!
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 15
Without a word, a chill wind blew through the shop. Our heroes turned to look to the source of the chill, only to be confronted by a spiralling flurry of snow. As they watched, the cascading blizzard shifted into the form of a human figure
Snowman: Fools!
Ferb: Aaagh!
Snowman: You have dared to stand against the powers of the Claused One! He has sent me, the Faceless Man, to deal with you!
James Lipton: Aaagh… my limbs, growing heavy…
Wolf: Uurrrgh… it’s some kind of spell.
Snowman: Haha! Gaze at the tree – for it is the tree from which hangs the fruit of your suffering!
With a wave of his hand, the Faceless Man brought forth a vast tree. It snapped and cracked its way through the shop’s wooden floor, huge winter branches stretching high across the little shop’s rafters.
Elsa: Can’t… resist… trite… villain… dialogue…
Ferb: The pain, the pain!
Drifting down from the tree branches, dew-like droplets of crimson snow began to fall. The heroes clutched at their heads as trembling screams filled their minds – a cacophony of searing arcane roars that tore at the fabric of reality itself. Ferb dropped to his knees, and before he was able to stop himself, darkness enveloped him.
Snowman: But as for you, Mister Lipton, I have a much worse fate in store for you.
James Lipton: Gulp.
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 16
Ferb: Oh, my head. How long was I out for?
*picks himself up, dusts off snow*
Ferb: Elsa? James Lipton? Wolf? Anybody? Huh, it looks like I’m all alone…
*wanders through the snow*
Ferb: What an awful experience. Maybe I should try to find my way to my spaceship and flee this awful planet. Wait, what is that in the distance?
*runs towards shimmering light*
Ferb: James Lipton! No!!!
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 17
Elsa: Ferb! Thank goodness I found you!
Ferb: Elsa, it’s horrible! The snowman cut off James Lipton’s head. It.. oh, barf!
Baker: Heya! Would you like to buy a biscuit?
Elsa: Aaah!
Ferb: Aaaah!
Baker: Hey, don’t worry. Santa wants you to have some biscuits. Try them. They’re fresh and doughey. Or would you prefer a bite of James Lipton’s head?
Elsa: Run away!
Ferb: Aaaaagh!
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 18
*vrrroom* *crash*
Wolf: Did I get here in time?
Ferb: Wolf! Oh my god, I’m so glad to see you!
Baker: Uuugh, crushed by a wolf driving a car. How did you even manage to do that? You don’t have opposable thumbs!
Wolf: Shut up. Quick, we have to get out of here – it’s almost midnight.
Ferb: What happens at midnight?
Wolf: Santa arrives! Quick, get to the cars!
James Lipton: Take me with you!
Ferb: Aaah!
James Lipton: Aaah!
Elsa: You’re still alive?
James Lipton: Of course I’m still alive – do you think that the dark lord of evil would pass up the chance to turn my existence into a never-ending agony? Now pick me up! This ground is freakin’ cold!
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 19
Wolf: This way!
*vroom*
Snowman: Puny flesh creatures! The power of the minions of the Faceless One is not to be trifled with! Unleash the miniature cars OF DOOM!
Ferb: Look out!
Elsa: Drive, damn it, drive!
*a rivetingly exciting high-speed Mad Max style race sequence ensues!*
James Lipton: This isn’t demeaning to me at all.
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 20
James Lipton: The cars are coming around for another attack run!
Ferb: Wolf, do you have any magic that can help us?
Wolf: I’m all out.
Elsa: Wait, I’ve got an idea! Quick, over by the train tracks – follow me!
*five minutes later*
James Lipton: Mwa-hahaha! Fools! You thought that you could stand before mechano-Lipton, desroyer of remote control cars?
Ferb: He seems to be enjoying himself.
Elsa: Yeah, I’ve never seen him so happy.
James Lipton: Face the might of my thrusting spear, little blue buggy!
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 21
Wolf: Guys, I don’t mean to upset you, but according to this clock it looks like Santa’s almost here.
Ferb: We need a plan – and fast!
James Lipton: I could stab him with my thrusting spear?
Wolf: That won’t do the job, we need something even more powerful.
Elsa: Hang on… do we still have the ruins of the attack drone?
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 22
Ferb: Oh my god Elsa, it’s beautiful!
Elsa: I call it the Destrucinator!
Destrucinator: Beep.
Wolf: I hope that it’s ready, because we’re out of time!
Elsa: Everything’s riding on you, Destrucinator. Don’t let us down!
Destrucinator: Beep.
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 23
A hail of gunfire pierced the air. Searing bellows of shrapnel tear their way through the winter sky as a Panha 2091 rides through the wind like a valkyrie.
Wolf: Santa’s helicopter is here!
Ferb: Santa drives a helicopter? I thought he drove a sledge pulled by reindeer.
Wolf: What? That would be stupid. He drives an attack helicopter, duh!
With a flurry of snow, the Faceless One emerges from a freezing blizzard. Shards of calcified ice roar around its eldritch form.
Snowman: No! Puny mortal creatures! You will not stand before… urgh!
James Lipton: Face the might of my thrusting spear, cold minion of darkness.
With all the might bestowed in his mechanical body, James Lipton powers forward, impaling the frost giant upon his steel piledriver. With a cruel smirk, the film critic feels that the revenge that he has yearned for is, indeed, best served cold.
The remaining group scramble for cover as Santa’s attack helicopter turns in the air and swoops in for another round. Around them, plumes of smoke rise as the bullets tear thick ruptures in the ground around them.
Elsa: Destrucinator, destroy the helicopter!
Destrucinator: Beep.
Without a moment’s hesitation, the Destrucinator reaches its steely talons up into the air. Grabbing ahold of the helicopter’s propeller, he pulls the steel chariot downwards. Spiralling out of control, Santa’s airborn death-machine smashes violently into the ground before the group.
Elsa: Fantastic work, Destrucinator!
Destrucinator: Beep.
A cold silence filled the air as those assembled inhaled a gasp of air. Their victory had been short-lived, as arising from the twisted wreckage of the helicopter emerged a bright, jolly figure.
Ferb: Look, the hatch on the helicopter is opening! It’s… it’s…
LEGO ADVENT CALENDAR DAY 24
Santa: Ho ho ho! Merry Chri-aaagh!
Ferb: Now! Stab him! Stab him!
Wolf: Go for the eyes!
Santa: Oh god no! The pain!
James Lipton: Ah, truly this bloodbath is what the holiday season is all about.
Elsa: Merry Christmas, everyone!
*stabbing, screaming*
